It all started over a year ago...then it kept coming back.that dark feeling that looked so lit up from the outside, it was almost like an internal depression. aren't they all internal?when you hit it you feel like the world is spinning around you...that everything is about you...which you wish you didn't. people call you selfish,good ones call you "fragile",others call you "attention freak" or at least "drama queen".
you don't care.you fucking don't care if they can't see how messed up you are.
funniest thing is you don't even realize if it's a depression or if you really are one crazy bitch who needs an excuse for her obsessiveness. it starts off with someone completely random,below the average, yet still either too good or too complicated for you. let's face it, i'm not too smart,or too pretty or even too talented for my league yet i'm aware that there's "something" about me. something that makes people make room for when i enter a room, something that makes guys ask for keys from their housemates and something that makes girls widen the circle when they're dancing.something worth knowing,worth fooling around. something called "sex appeal". everytime i find the object of my obsession i use this as a chance to maybe,mayyyy beee get him to let me get what i want (please,please,please...let me,let me get what i want,this time...). i want to scream outloud "dont you realize?you've gotta be my salvation!". each and everytime i find my self stupid enough to think of the guy as a Jesus effin Christ. i know that this happens, i see it happening, i even see myself, sometimes, standing at some temporal crossroads, some distinct moment at which i can walk away and keep it from happening, but i never do. i grab at everything, i end up with nothing and then i feel bereft. i mourn for the loss of something i never even had.
then the fall begins.i'm not afraid.i've been there many times, for weeks, for months, sometimes for just a couple of days.i like the feeling you get when you hit the bottom with your soul naked to the bones. i like the feeling of just being pure naked, this is an other thing about me. within the twenty four hours after meeting someone i have the abilty to spread my soul,my heart or even my legs wide open for them, i don't care what they think...i don't care if i'm one "too much information slut" to them. i'm looking for a chance to become invisible by being too visible. i'm the girl who joel in eternal sunshine for a spotless mind saw as "fucking people to make her love her." when falling, i'm a mix of elizabeth damn wurtzel and sylvia plath with a twist of clementine, and i don't even care if this counts as being cheesy.
i like the chill when i hit the ground, because i'm damn good at getting up. then i become me. me who feels no regrets but wants to give up on that worst part of me that sometimes feels like "all parts of me". when you hit that rock bottom you realize that everything before it was some sort of failure of vision. and when it ends you only wonder why the hell things used to look the way they did.
the fall...it all started over a year ago...then it kept coming back.